||[Mar. 22nd, 2006|05:31 pm]
|||||stars - going, going, gone||]|
two...more...days...YAY! hah then the cycle starts all over again. life really is all about cycles isn't it? i mean sometimes the loop is a bit larger so you forget what path you're on but eventually you start recognizing landmarks and the point from which you originated. there's a sense of comfort in that, i suppose.
EDIT: so i've realized in the last year that i've built up an arsenal of self-defense mechanisms after well, if you're reading this you probably know why. the good news is...they've worked to a large degree. yet, as jen pointed out, that's also the bad news. as each year cycles by, i like to imagine that we grow as trees do, adding successive layers to what existed before. we may come to appear quite different from what we once were, but those foundations remain a very real part of our path and person. along that vein, analysis of what's inside us would also reveal evidence of particularly difficult experiences, just as certain rings in a tree can reveal periods of drought.
however, to get back to the point, in recent times an incision into me would have revealed a plethora of scars and fears, some of which have become apparent to myself only recently. what strikes me about major events that molded me throughout the years is that for most of them, there was no person i could truly blame. of course, this probably has more to do with my way of thinking since you can almost always find a scapegoat if you're inclined, but ultimately it's made me confront the subtleties and complexities of right/wrong and the (sometimes huge) impact of mere chance. on the other hand, i guess i did find a scapegoat: when it was too hard to accept that sometimes things just go south, i often turned the critical gaze inward and found fault there whether there was any or not.
so that brings me to the present: life has its ups and downs and in-betweens as always, but whenever something is less than optimal i blame myself so that unfortunate happenings cause more damage than they have any right to. the result? protective pride, fear of failure, fear of showing vulnerability. ironically, i can blab on about all sorts of subjects that interest me - even stranger - i could tell you my life's story, but within i am really apart, i am locked up, i am tucked away.
before, i was always the wannabe cynic who really left the back door open in secret hope - a vulnerability that didn't serve me well. yet, when i didn't expect it myself, even that was shut. i AM stronger, my barricades are sturdier, there is no doubt of that in my mind. now, i need to make sure i remember how to lower the bridge when appropriate. for reasons i have yet to discover, the fates really like to validate my negative subtext thus far. but i am hopeful because life (and me swimming in it) is a work in progress. i have my increasingly clear priorities and the faith that in time things are brought into the proper perspective if not the proper place.