Wow I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted. I'm at work so now's not really the time for a long entry. But I've seen a huge number of amazing bands in the last year...Decemberists, Damien Rice, Editors, The National, Rilo Kiley, Iron & Wine...to name just a few! Coming up are Patrick Wolf, Stars, Bright Eyes, Maria Taylor, and most recently...JIMMY EAT WORLD. I can't tell you how long I've been waiting for this. I'd better get back to being "productive," but I wanted to post these lyrics that've been speaking to me lately, especially at the office:
Azure Ray - Displaced
It's just a simple line I can still hear it all of the time If I can just hold on tonight I know that nothing, nothing survives Nothing survives
I think I'm turned around I'm looking up Not looking down And when I'm standing still Watching you run, watching you fall Fall into me
Am I making Something worthwhile Out of this place? Am I making Something worthwhile Out of this chase? I am displaced I am displaced
And she's my friend of friends She's still here When everyone's gone She doesn't have to say a thing We'll just keep laughing all night long All night long
Am I making Something worthwhile Out of this place? Am I making Something worthwhile Out of this chase? I am displaced I am displaced
You say I choose sadness That it never once has chosen me
for the first time in a while i can say with certainty that i'm not trying to stay sad or clinging to it because that's what i've become accustomed to and i don't know how to be any other way. i've had more faith and optimism recently than i thought was still left in me, and honestly, i'm giving it my all. sigh, whatever happens i guess i'll have that. i just want to be happy. don't we all deserve that? don't we all have the right to want our OWN happiness and to fight for that? i continue to insist that's not being selfish. in that sense i agree with Nietzsche...what's so wrong with utilizing our own strengths and following our own desires? i don't want to suppress my "will to power" and i refuse to feel guilty for living and loving without restraint. still, i'm tired of being sad. maybe i'm just a freak in this world...
i am so fucking scared right now. and how silly...it's of my own life. but then what bigger mistake could we make than here, when we should rise up with all our youthful energy and capability, to shrink back instead, to let that window slide right by. no i cannot do that, could not look at myself in the mirror every morning if i turned out to be the type of person who is too afraid to live, too timid to grasp every bit of success that i've fought like a dog to get, that i have EARNED in every sense of the word. no i WILL NOT let life pass me by. yet, it's so hard to overcome my fears, oldest and foremost of which is the one that i'm really less worthy than everyone else. despite all indications otherwise, deep down i've been convinced that i'm actually dumb and less than competent and that, sooner or later someone will find me out and let the rest of the world in on my dirty little secret. how is it that even after my fair share of accomplishments, i seem to have accumulated so little self-worth and confidence? what glues my tongue to my mouth so my words jumble together even when i know the conversation partner who intimidates me is spouting pure BS? these are questions i need to answer and stumbling blocks i need to overcome, and fast, but i'll do it. i'll change myself and my life however i have to because my survival, my success, is no one's responsibility but my own. welcome to the real world.
EDIT: whatever. i don't think i'm naive, or maybe being willing to put forth a lot of effort is considered naive these days? talking to martine & julia gave me quite a bit to think about. i think for me there's two paths with guys. i'm not judging those who have more, that's just not me. unfortunately that's not how most other people operate these days. hopefully, i'll be able to find another weirdo at some point.
He said really I just wanna dance Good and evil match perfect it's a great romance I can deal with some psychic pain If it'll slow down my higher brain Veins full of disappearing ink Vomiting in the kitchen sink Disconnecting from the missing link
This is not my life It's just a fond farewell to a friend It's not what i'm like It's just a fond farewell to a friend Who couldn't get things right Fond farewell to a friend
I see you're leaving me and taking up with the enemy The cold comfort of the in between A little less than a human being A little less than a happy high A little less than a suicide The only things that you really tried
This is not my life It's just a fond farewell to a friend It's not what i'm like It's just a fond farewell to a friend Who couldn't get things right
phew...i feel better already. having known what i needed to do (or rather let go of?) for so long, it's nice to finally take that step. it's been a burden pressing down on my chest...but from here on out, i hope i can breathe easy again and just wait for whatever the future has in store for me with hopeful eyes, open arms, and a head held high.
there's a song from the lovely maria taylor called "xanax," and i've felt since the very first time i heard it that it resonated strongly with something within me. There's just a time when we must all let go of the breath that we hold, into the unknown we have to go... it's just funny that these strands of words ultimately came to mean something almost opposite of what i first interpreted them to be. but that's life...it's full of humor, friendship, love, merriment, pain, betrayal, indifference, devotion, and the list goes on and on. my number one goal this summer is to learn to take the sour with the sweet, with a perception bias toward the sweeeeet.
in terms of our dear graduating friends, well i can't write fully about it yet. it definitely has not sunk in that this is the last time we'll all be together in quite this way. although it can be difficult for me to be part of a group (i start feeling caged), these kids are the CREAM of the crop. i feel so honored to have met and shared so many unforgettable moments with them. especially jen my love really made college/UVA a worthwhile experience for me, one full of memories that i will revisit often and probably with a toothy (or toothless if enough years pass 8p) grin. because they're not only fantastic friends but also intelligent, talented, and driven individuals, i also know that they'll work their asses off and be so so successful. i wish you all the best of luck. as you get there into the *real world* heh, please stay in touch. i realize all this love may be hard to hold, but it's nothing more than what you've given us.
when i awoke this morning a full 3 hours earlier than i'd intended, my first thought was 'wow...what an unpleasant and demotivating day,' a sentiment that was only reinforced as the day stretched onward in various shades of grey. however, after an ill-fated initial encounter with jen's blasted sewing machine ended with the exhaustion of our black thread supply, i was finally forced out of the apartment to HunT for more. as i braved the sidewalks of JPA in my weather-appropriate footwear (dingy Old Navy flipflops) tracking my prey to Montibello Circle, a new understanding blossomed in my mind. the part of this day that brings me down the most is not so much the weather itself but that i can't be either out there immersed in it or in bed oblivious to it all. also, at some point i misplaced the words to express certain things i should and now fear the will to shall suffer the same fate. it's strange when you realize you've compromised one of those few beliefs you promised yourself never to. balance and reciprocity...how i once knelt at your altars before their destruction. i wonder what else the flames devoured...
two...more...days...YAY! hah then the cycle starts all over again. life really is all about cycles isn't it? i mean sometimes the loop is a bit larger so you forget what path you're on but eventually you start recognizing landmarks and the point from which you originated. there's a sense of comfort in that, i suppose.
EDIT: so i've realized in the last year that i've built up an arsenal of self-defense mechanisms after well, if you're reading this you probably know why. the good news is...they've worked to a large degree. yet, as jen pointed out, that's also the bad news. as each year cycles by, i like to imagine that we grow as trees do, adding successive layers to what existed before. we may come to appear quite different from what we once were, but those foundations remain a very real part of our path and person. along that vein, analysis of what's inside us would also reveal evidence of particularly difficult experiences, just as certain rings in a tree can reveal periods of drought.
however, to get back to the point, in recent times an incision into me would have revealed a plethora of scars and fears, some of which have become apparent to myself only recently. what strikes me about major events that molded me throughout the years is that for most of them, there was no person i could truly blame. of course, this probably has more to do with my way of thinking since you can almost always find a scapegoat if you're inclined, but ultimately it's made me confront the subtleties and complexities of right/wrong and the (sometimes huge) impact of mere chance. on the other hand, i guess i did find a scapegoat: when it was too hard to accept that sometimes things just go south, i often turned the critical gaze inward and found fault there whether there was any or not.
so that brings me to the present: life has its ups and downs and in-betweens as always, but whenever something is less than optimal i blame myself so that unfortunate happenings cause more damage than they have any right to. the result? protective pride, fear of failure, fear of showing vulnerability. ironically, i can blab on about all sorts of subjects that interest me - even stranger - i could tell you my life's story, but within i am really apart, i am locked up, i am tucked away.
before, i was always the wannabe cynic who really left the back door open in secret hope - a vulnerability that didn't serve me well. yet, when i didn't expect it myself, even that was shut. i AM stronger, my barricades are sturdier, there is no doubt of that in my mind. now, i need to make sure i remember how to lower the bridge when appropriate. for reasons i have yet to discover, the fates really like to validate my negative subtext thus far. but i am hopeful because life (and me swimming in it) is a work in progress. i have my increasingly clear priorities and the faith that in time things are brought into the proper perspective if not the proper place.
ultimately what i fear most on the scale of individuals as well as communities is indifference. somehow that seems worse than great evil or pain. am i strange, i wonder, to feel this?
*NOTE: break plans consist of some mishmash of NOVA, Roanoke, job-hunting, major resting up, and visiting Dad in FL again...not sure where I'll be or when so just cell me if you wanna try to meet up ^___^
wow. this has been likely the most chill finals period i've experienced since coming to UVA. this is the result of some combination of having a decently spaced out exam schedule but i feel more importantly of my resolve to keep a healthier mindset. honestly, while every student is certainly inclined toward some subjects over others, it's really possible to do acceptably well in any class if i just put in enough time and effort in.
i feel like this change is just one manifestation of the ongoing maturation process which has been taking place in me since...well...i would have to say it was probably set in motion by the unfortunate situations of last winter. the negative events and emotions that have rocked me like so many aftershocks since that time have finally succumbed to control as well. as always, it remains a work in progress. i suspect some part of me will always be waiting at that very spot of dissolution, but i have been surprisingly happy/content these past weeks. of particular note, my relationship with my parents hasn't been this good since middle school. it was strange to realize there really is a replenishment of spirit connected to returning home when one is actually GLAD of it.
in the occasional time gaps when i haven't had a final or work, the subjects of pride, fear, and faith have been popping a lot. i had a really nice conversation with jen about the last in particular which was quite enlightening. i have always felt that open-mindedness was a virtue and tried not to judge others harshly for having beliefs/behaviors unlike my own. but to be realistic there are few who can escape that trap of unjust biases all the time, and i am very glad to have friends who challenge those mindsets and help me uncover the roots of my views. my thoughts about pride and fear have yet to be so exposed, but they mostly concern my own person and thus are more justifiably kept to my mind for now. all i will say on that subject is that the two are linked more than i'd realized and both frequently act as tyrants to keep me from living as fully and openly as i desire.
i don't believe in making resolutions, for i hate the feeling of breaking promises to myself even more than breaking promises to others. isn't it sad to imagine getting USED to letting ourselves down. at least we can learn to avoid or prepare for others who disappoint us, but let's never lose expectation in our selves. so in lieu of a conventional resolution, i'll just express gratitude for what is and what has been and a most passionate dedication to making the most of what will/can be. happy holidays, my loves 8-p!